Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Bass Lake and Pink Toilet Paper




The other day the kids got out the toilet paper and did what was only natural – they strew it around the house. I conned John into wrapping it back up. As he did so, the memory suddenly did a knee jerk back in time.
          My step-mom did the best that she could to raise us by setting good examples. She got upset when we did not do the right thing like any trying parent would.
The summer of 1980 we went up to Bass Lake in California. My cousin brought his friend, Dawn along. Dawn had her driver’s license. Like typical teens, we took advantage of the opportunity by driving into “town” on the opposite side of the lake. Lo and behold they were having a sale on PINK toilet paper – 4 rolls for 79 cents. Of course, when one is camping in the wilderness, one needs lots of         PINK toilet paper. We bought a whole lot of it, inconspicuously storing it in my uncle’s yellow pickup truck. PINK toilet paper is hard to hide but we somehow succeeded without any obvious suspicion.
          As the afternoon merged together with the evening we were getting antsy. Several family members enjoyed activities in each other’s camps. Sing-along’s were headed by my dad. He played his guitar and sang. Uncle Dean joined in with his harmonicas. In another camp, family was eating Aunt Marge’s cakes and gossiping. Her cakes were memorable because she used real cream frosting with a center layer of real fruit. I can still taste them after 30 years. Few have compared to hers since. Watermelon was the fruit of choice for others. My brothers took pride in how far they could spit the seeds – about the only time they could get away with spitting in public.
My cousin and his friend and I moved from one event to the next just waiting for all to go to bed. In an effort to cover our plan, we went to bed when everyone else did. Precariously we snuck out and had fun! My cousin’s camp got the brunt of it. Oh…we wrapped it everywhere – including the food -even wrapping ourselves in bed to avoid suspicion. My own family didn’t get as much – mainly because we ran out of toilet paper.
Not long after we finished, a group of motorcycles rumbled past our tents. One of the cousins swore they stopped to decorate our camp. She kept saying she heard them outside her tent-wishful thinking on her part.
In the morning we again roamed from camp to camp; again, trying to look as inconspicuous as possible. Not easy! One aunt, I think it was Olive gave me a direct look – eyes gleaming, “You kids did it.” Of course I protested innocence. I was never a good liar. “Yes, you kids did it” she charged with a confident smile.
Down at the other end of our row, my step mom was fuming. Totally humiliated, she kept saying how she taught me better.
In her younger years she and her friends were notorious for t.p.ing members of the Church, whether it was the bishop or the young, male missionaries. They had to be out of their homes early in the morning. Mom and her friends took great pleasure in decorating. To ensure a solid look, they would carefully water down the paper. The missionaries, dressed in 3-piece suits were required to keep their living environments spotless. Wet, soggy toilet paper melts into the grass making it nearly impossible to remove it. This often caused them to be late to their appointments.
So…I had a legacy to live up to. And I did not in her eyes. Basically I got into trouble for not spreading the PINK toilet paper around our camp better.  However, one look at my aunt and uncle’s camp said it all. After all this time the only thing that I feel true remorse for is the mess that my aunt silently cleaned up in embarrassment.
Once again though, my sweet little ones began the tradition by mixing toilet paper, water, and soap. At least this time it was in the sink. Uncle Johnny helped them clean it up while I cleaned up another mess of theirs.
Kelli L. McDonald
July 30, 2014


Monday, July 21, 2014

Letting Go





If you love something
Let it go
If it comes back
It’s yours
If it doesn’t
It never was
(Anonymous)

            She found it at a garage sale in 1980. Lacquered paper on wood, it was meant as a hint. I was 16 and madly in love with a neighborhood boy – or so I thought. What do we really know at 16? My step mother was trying to insinuate that there are other fish in the sea. I ignored her.  
            As time moved on, the plaque followed me like a wise, old friend. Always finding an inconspicuous spot on the wall, it reminded me of what I knew that I would eventually have to do – let go.
            This good friend was there when my young brother died. He died at his own hands. I do not care what one’s religious or philosophical beliefs are. That hurts! One does not easily heal from the effects. The friend followed me through my failed marriage, the births and trials of raising my children, and then raising my grandchildren. The final straw was the death of my father and the excruciating pain of emotionally letting my sweet daughter go in another direction. Too, too much had happened. Again, my now wiser and much older step mother suggested I let go. “Find closure,” she suggested when I turned 50. Now much wiser, myself, I invested in her advice.
            The first thing I did was find out where the boy was in life. Was he even alive? Yes, he was and still married to the same woman after nearly 30 years of marriage. Bittersweet as it was to find that out, it was a relief. He was an astonishing person who had a lot of influence on me for good. Because of him, I was able to avoid some nasty relationships. The rationale was that if he was ever to show up, I wanted to be available for him. This rationale also allowed me to examine the type of men I was attracted to and why. By this time, I was in a position where I did not need another man in my life. They needed to be my friend first. I had succeeded on so many levels without this companionship that I was incredibly cautious as to who would be allowed in our lives.
            Because of this neighborhood boy from long ago, I was able to write stories depicting areas of my past - long past and faded into another time. He was a pure example of championing for the underdog. He had this insidious ability to bring out talents in kids who otherwise would not have known what they were capable of accomplishing. My brothers were recipients of that gift. He gave others hope. I am not sure that this fine man or his family was aware of the lasting impact he had on others. We experienced adventurous that were mainstays through some of my darkest days and nights. They were reminders of better days past and to come.  I expressed that gratitude on a popular social network that I knew he belonged to. And although he did not respond, I feel that he did read it. I wanted nothing more than to express that gratitude and move on. It was peaceful being able to do so, especially given that he was still married to the same woman after nearly 30 years. What an accomplishment in this day and age of superficial marriages! Too, I was content with who and where I was. I live in a culture and area far removed from where we came from and it satisfied me. To let go of this individual was huge and it lifted an even bigger burden from me. I have not looked back except in endearing fondness for the memories.
            I served a mission for my church. Part of it was due to advice of my step-mother; part of it was to escape the memories of the neighborhood boy who was now an awestruck newly-wed. Part of it was an attempt to let go of my deceased brother. Part of it was intuition. It was time to move on. Again, I met another boy who wooed and promised me wonderful but untrue things about our future together. Another wise friend saw it for what it was worth and sent me a laminated postcard with the same quote. At the time I saw the friend as anything but wise. He seemed jealous and immature. Oh…how wrong I was! This same person is still my friend. He, too, has been married to the same woman for nearly 30 years. He is more educated and fun than I could have ever imagined. I still have the postcard. He was right.
            I married my now ex-husband on a whim. An embarrassment to his family, they never could accept me. I was not from the little town he grew up in. I was outspoken as well as a number of other things. The marriage was a disaster from the start. The pain lasted far longer than the marriage. On the day that I turned 50, I moved my family into the first house that I felt genuinely comfortable with. The smell that emitted from the house reminded me of the neighbor boy’s childhood home. One of the bathrooms reminded me of his parent’s bathroom. It was comforting. The smell only lasted for several days and then it was gone for good.
            My now ex-husband, who was not only divorced from his third wife, had a daughter who was 3 months older than one of our granddaughters. He helped us with this move. Within a month of moving in and a week away from Christmas the car problems started. No longer in town, we lived way out in the boonies. It was cold!!! This time, though, we had a garage. He helped us, even loaning me his car. Not long after this, I was in my first car accident in 30 years. The one 30 years prior was a small fender bender. This one was major. Luckily, the other driver only sustained a very minor head injury. I got the brunt of the impact and was very fortunate that more did not occur. My son had a difficult time looking at my car, realizing what could have happen if…Again, my ex stepped in and helped. Not only did he loan us his car, but he helped find me another car. The new car came with some problems. Of course! He helped my son with repairing it for as little cost as one could ethically get away with.  He contended that he was only helping my son. Either way, I was grateful and was finally able to let go of the past. He and his family could dislike me all they wanted to. It was liberating to finally let go of the crap. In letting go of the anger from this spoiled marriage, along with the memories of the neighborhood boy, I gave myself permission to experience healthier relationships. Doors seemed to open in unexpected ways. I found myself genuinely happier. It actually surprised me to feel that again. Long time coming that it was.
            When my dad died, there was no time to mourn. Busy with working, finding better employment, co-parenting my two very active granddaughters, and getting ready to go back to school for a second Master’s degree, to say that I was swamped with responsibilities would be an understatement.
Several people had commented that there was another person in our apartment. One individual even described where the person was standing and what direction he was standing when she felt him. It wasn’t the spooky, eerie sort of feeling. They all felt that there was an aura of comfort and compassion from Beyond by whoever was guarding us. This was in the months just prior to my dad’s death. One night, as I was driving home it occurred to me with such an impact that it was my brother. All of a sudden it made complete sense! He had always been nearby and I did not recognize that it was him. People can say what they want about this experience. They can interpret it to mean what they will but in my heart I feel it was my brother who had died 30 years ago. During his very short life I had literally defended him multiple times, even going so far as to beat up the neighborhood bully on his behalf. Now was the realization that he had been watching out for me and my children all along. After viewing the scene of my before mentioned accident, my son strongly contends that we were saved from a far more different fate because of my dad and brother. But then, that is simply our belief and nothing more.
In letting my dad go, no longer was there the anger and frustration of what kind of father he should have been. I could appreciate all the fine qualities that made him unique. I could further welcome the abilities endowed upon me because of him.
In allowing my children to grow up, they have in turn blessed me with grandchildren who are now my world. Don’t tell me about the limits of aging – there’s no room! And gratefully I am able to keep up.
            We are blessed by challenges that try our heart strings to be taught. One of mine was my daughter. In every way a mother could, I tried to protect her innocence – even when she did not want to be protected. Like me, she wanted to test the waters and be independent. She wanted to experiment with everything Life had to offer. Some scars do not go away. Well meaning people warned me to let her go. By trying to protect her, I was only thwarting her own progress. She needed the opportunities to learn from her challenges. I had to allow my daughter the freedom to make decisions for herself – along with the consequence that arises from those choices. True growth is a result.
 Letting go means to move forward. It is not that we care for the person or situation any less. It means that we allow them to make their own choices to move into a more positive direction. It is remembering what we choose to, no longer burdened by its constraints. No longer are we controlled by its thoughts. In letting go, we make the choice to take control over the situation. We empower ourselves to rise above the situations that once held us back.
If you love something
Let it go
If it comes back
It’s yours
If it doesn’t
It never was
                                                                    (Anonymous)       
Kelli L. McDonald
July 20, 2014

Saturday, February 1, 2014

The Blessing of An Unanswered Prayer




Country singer Garth, Brooks, croons about a man who desired a particular girl during high school. Oh, how he prayed with all of his might that he would be a perfect man should he be granted this one wish. Years later, at a reunion he realized the blessings he received by not being granted the wish.
                On the southwest corner of Noble Avenue and Tuba Street sat a house with a fence and backyard parallel to Noble Avenue. The family of this home owned two Doberman pincers.  Whenever Tony walked past this house, those dogs barked fiercely. It was enough to want to walk to the edge of the sidewalk in order to avoid them! The growl of their bark reached out over the fence. Tony had NO apparent fear of them! When he took a stroll past those ferocious creatures, he would hop up and smack the closest puppy in the face without any effort. As he laughed it was as if he had just daringly swat a fly!
                Tony was one of Billy’s best friends up until their high school years at James Monroe. It was then the friendship waned due to a misunderstanding. While Billy was my on and off again boyfriend, I always had a steady crush on Tony. It seemed that when I was seriously seeing Billy, Tony was not seeing anyone. When Tony was seriously seeing someone, Billy and I were not together. More than anything, though, he was my friend. We shared insults with one another, even buying insult books at the Northridge Mall that summer of 1979 when we all went to see Meatballs starring Bill Murray. It was our game to see who could insult the other the worst, all done in fun. He even loaned me his locker in D Hall the whole time I was at Monroe. I still have the combination in a little yellow book that I kept such information.
When Billy had surgery on his knees during the spring of 1981, he was out of school for a week. Tony walked me to my classes and then met me afterwards, this included walking with me to and from home. I don’t think my dad liked him because Tony waited for me at the sidewalk instead of coming to the door. But he was my protector while Billy was convalescing.  Billy was jealous. Nothing came of it, just Tony watching out for me because in his eyes I was “Billy’s girl.” It was as if they had this unspoken code that they did not go after each other’s girl. I fell hard for Tony. He was unbelievably handsome! His mustache…oh my! He was athletic, too, running for James Monroe.  However, it was that respect and consideration that tugged at my heart strings.
In high school Tony frequently dated, or so it seemed to me, always looking for someone to fill a void. His home life was fraught with constant turmoil. Growing up, Billy’s home was the haven for him even though they too, had their share of woes. When I was in the 10th Grade and he was in the 11th, he went to live with relatives in New Jersey for several months.  We wrote back and forth but he only had eyes for Elysa Wyneken. I paled in looks dramatically compared to Elysa. My heart skipped a beat when I found out that he was back – sadly for Billy. But then, it was sad for me when he eagerly began dating Elysa – much to her parent’s strong dismay! Still…on one hand I was in love with Billy with a huge crush on Tony. Life is interesting.

We lost touch as we left high school. I went on to serve a mission for my church - South Carolina. One of my friends went to Chicago. I knew that Tony had plans of being there. My friend, Cory, watched for him but to no avail. As the years came and went I kept searching for him – and Billy. My kids, never having met either of them, kept an open eye for them. Tony and I finally connected in April of 2010 through a mutual friend on a social networking site. We talked for three hours! The longings from the years past hopefully would come into play.
Tony was still the Tony I knew from way back when. When we talked, it felt as if we were back in those days of which I so missed. His voice was the same. He still had the same sense of humor. But he wasn’t the same. Neither was I. No longer a naive seventeen year old, I was about to become a grandmother for the first time. I wanted things to be the same except that too much life had happened along the way. Tony reminded me of the character played by Neil Diamond, Jess Rabinovic, in the 1980 version of The Jazz Singer. He was still trying to find where he fit into society.  One day he stopped calling. Part of me was relieved and the other hurt. In the end, there was closure. It took about a year and the prayer was at long last answered.
My kids grew up hearing the stories from that period. We put him upon the same pedestal that we put Billy on, which was high. I was able to take him down to rest. I could now be grateful that there was never an intimate relationship between us. As it was, our lives went in very different directions. Neither was easy by any means. Moreover, I could now say with conviction that I was glad that we met up just for that brief moment in history. I could stop wondering what became of him. I could continue laughing every time I thought of him slapping those fierce beasts. I could still sigh whenever I thought of circa 1979 Tony Toth. And with peace, I could close that chapter and move on, thankful for the blessings that were given to me instead.
(I hope you are well, my friend.)
Kelli L. McDonald
1 February 2014
Eagle Mountain, Utah

 

Monday, December 9, 2013

Dad's Lincoln




                The weather was warm – what we call the calm before the storm. The gas attendant was gingerly cleaning the gas pumps. Not seeing the point of cleaning them when a storm was approaching, I told the story about my dad.
                “I remember once when my dad did that, “ I mentioned as I got out to fill my tank.
                “He was cleaning his nice, fancy car inside and out. Actually, it was a used Lincoln and it was December 23, 1983…”

                We lived out in Lake Los Angeles, California. A lake it wasn’t, just dirt and wind. To clean a car was pointless because it would just get dirty again, especially if a storm was coming. Dad practically spit-shined that car. We drove out to Sylmar to pick up my step-mom from work. While we were waiting for her to get off, Dad started picking lint and other unseen tidbits off the upholstery. Sarcastically, I said, “Guy, Dad, it’s so clean you could lick it off!” He scowled at me to mind my own business. The next night the sky let loose some heavy rain. We drove to church and then out to the cemetery to visit Uncle Ray’s grave. Ray was one of Dad’s older brothers who had died the previous June. The road leading to the cemetery was called Avenue S. It was dirty and not well developed like it is today. It was filled with pot-holes and muddy water that splashed all over Dad’s nice, shiny, clean car. I snickered and laughed like  no other! It was payback. When we got home, Dad sprayed that car off good! I don’t remember if I said anything else after that. I probably did, knowing my frame of mind in those days.
                The gas attendant smiled. I think he needed something to do to keep him busy – being that it was Sunday in Utah and slow.